Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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