I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
