I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this boner is exhausting
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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