She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
