do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
