Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
