his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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