My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
They are going to name an STD after you.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
