just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
