Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
