I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
