why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Liz is crying about burritos again.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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