Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
