don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
