I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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