And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
