How'd it feel making her break her religion?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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