I just threw up on my dentist
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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