i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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