You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
