Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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