i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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