I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
