how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
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so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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