stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
