So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
