My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Randomize
