I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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