No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
