Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
