I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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