no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
