you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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