Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Bring me that man meat
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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