Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
