I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
