and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Come on in and take your pants off
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