Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
