I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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