my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
