The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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