i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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