I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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