You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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