i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
