here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
