Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
