I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
