After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
