It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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