u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
