Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
