just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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