i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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