My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
