When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
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It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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