When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
