I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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